ambiguous about change
tomorrow i am leaving hong kong for half a year. crazy? i'll be gone till spring break of 2027, that is a long ass time. and honestly, i couldn't tell you exactly how i feel, hence the title, ambiguous about change. so let me explain. it's almost like there's 2 of me living inside of me giving me different thoughts and opinions about each thing that happens, and going back to school has split me even more than usual. one one hand, i'm extremely worried about my reception, but at the same time i realise i'm the only one thinking this deep into it. nobody really cares that much except for myself, so honestly the biggest opponent, biggest challenge in my life is myself. i need to get over my worries and learn to accept that it isn't going to go perfectly but i will end up overcoming my fears in the end. another fear of mine is the 'relapse is inevitable' mindset i am afraid i will take on again. but this time i have so many more coping mechanisms, i am so much closer to my family and i have an amazing boyfriend i can speak to whenever things get bad, and not to mention all my friends. i'm going to miss them and miss my boyfriend so, so, so much but the distance is only one small obstacle. what really matters is that i care about them deeply and they care about me and we can go about our lives together without a worry in the world about separation. anyway, back to the topic on hand. i'm very fearful that i will not be accepted or people will treat me with the same distaste they did back when i was still in school, but as long as i show them that ive changed, i will most likely be granted a second chance. and even if they don't, well i shouldn't be taking it to heart, there's still so many more opportunities to make friends, honestly. i haven't been back in school for about a year and a half, and i haven't completed a full school year in 4 years. so in a way, i'm excited to return to school once and for all and overcome my illness by finishing the entire year no matter what. if i think negatively, i'll only drag myself down. i need to look up in this situation, and look at the people who love and care about me and hopefully find more people i can share my love with.
that's all for today. i guess i can hold two things at once, fear and anticipation, excitement. it'll be fine, and even if it isn't, who cares? i'll always find a way back home to my mom, dad, boyfriend and so many others. i know i'll always have a safety net there.