so far, everything reminds me of him
so of course i have to make a complimentary post about my boyfriend who i am not dating anymore so i must say ex but that really hurts me to say so i will not say ex but i have to so i will but i am sad oh lord what do i do
so far, everything reminds me of him... i feel like i am torturing myself by consuming the things that remind me of him because i am meant to be getting over him and focusing on myself but that is the exact opposite of what i am doing. i have not gotten out of bed all day or taken care of myself or even brushed my hair. i am completely destroyed by something i already saw coming so i do not know what is wrong with me or why i am like this but it's okay. i will be bedridden for a few more days and be very sad but what matters is i get out of this state and do not relapse back into depression. if you are close to me you know that my life has dipped a lot into being horrible and i am sad and upset with myself so i do not know what to do. anyways, back to the topic at hand, i am purposefully consuming things that make me miss him because i like being mean to myself. i am aimlessly scrolling through photos and wearing his clothes and staring at our photobooth photos. i am trying to move on but everything i'm doing says the exact opposite. this is my first breakup with someone i actually liked so what do i do now i don't know. all i feel like doing is crying on the phone to my best friends and crying and crying and crying and crying and crying and crying and did i say crying i am trying to make myself feel better by going on this fucking retarded app called equals where you meet people with the same music taste and every time a guy hits up my dms on that FREAKING APP I GET FUCKING WHIPLASH AND I MISS MY BOYFRIEND REALLY BAD I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO THESE GODFORSAKEN GUYS THEY ARE STUPID AND ANNOYING but at least it reminds me that even though these guys are just desperate on the internet someone else still wants me. so i am not entirely worthless because i am still worthy of love maybe. i don't know. i need to love myself more.
i will never throw out anything that reminds me of my boyfriend ex boyfriend whatever whatever i don't want to say ex i don't have this processed in my head that we are done for forever. whatever it don't matter i will just stare at the photos and wear his hoodie and cry forever. and ever.
i hope in 1 week i am up and ready to go again. or else that would be bad and it would show that i really do have attachment issues
wow i am listening to the playlist i made for him and it is actually putting a knife through my heart. what is happening to me? is this normal? i only knew him for so long and yet i am so devastated. what the hell ever. if i ever dated someone for more than a year then broke up while i was still in love with them i would be so overwhelmed and probably driven to die. or, i don't know. i would just.. be very unhappy and be depressed
i miss him a lot and i'm sad. and.. i'm sad. and i know breaking up is for the better but i am sorry and whatever My god i'm acting like he can read this i'm pretty sure he doesn't have access to this blog anymore which is good because that would be embarrassing but it's okay
i am absolutely devastated and i want my boyfriend back
i am crying again please get me out of here
in 1 month i will be fine. i will be fine i'm manifesting i will be fine i will be fine i will forget i will get over him i will get over him i will be fine i will be fine i will better myself i will better myself
maybe we will both better ourselves and i will talk to him once again. maybe i just am deluded and i miss him and i'm saying this i don't know
rest in peace my first relationship with a guy i loved for real alright bye